Conceiving A Miracle: When Getting Pregnant Isn’t A Given

“What are you guys waiting for?” That’s the question friends and family would ask every year at my son’s birthday parties.

Little did everyone know that we’d been struggling for years to have our second child.

Our struggle to conceive has been fraught with doubt and disappointment. But for the first time, I’m also feeling hopeful.

Just relax? Yeah, you try that.

So many people – from my obstetrician (OB) to friends and family alike – would suggest “just relaxing” or “try not to think about it.” I now know that’s the worst advice you can give anyone in these situations. (If you are looking for ways to help friends and family struggling with infertility, or even looking for different ways to start a family, visit Resolve.org.)

Even still, we tried, took dozens of pills and injections, had seven surgeries and procedures, removed grains and dairy from my diet, and still suffered two miscarriages, all of which made us feel very alone and anything but relaxed. My body, our minds, and our finances were drained.

Meanwhile friends and family lapped us – having one or two more children to our zero. Trust me, it was not a competition, but you can imagine how defeated we’d feel when we knew we too were once able to just get pregnant on our own. But for some reason, this second child wasn’t going to be as easy.

I celebrated each friend or family member’s new baby as best I could – always with a smile and hope. I never wanted to get on the other side of my situation and have people reflect on how hard it has been for me. I wanted to make sure I was there for them, too- with a positive spirit.

IVF: Not for the faint of heart

After six intrauterine inseminations (IUIs) – two of which resulted in miscarriages – we decided to try In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).

The process is not for the faint of heart, but I am grateful to the support group/yoga class I’d been attending for nearly two years. These women have seen it all and dropped everything to help a newbie. Each time I spoke with them, I felt less alone, more hopeful, more comfortable being the person I had to be.

Our IVF protocol was a rigorous one. At this point I’m 39 years old, so my “advanced maternal age” wasn’t necessarily increasing my chances of getting pregnant again. I was bruised mentally from negative pregnancy tests and pregnancy losses, and physically from the injections and blood work.

The mental bruises take a long time to go away. The bruises make you doubt that you’ll actually get pregnant, a skepticism that those “just relax” advisors would yell at you for. Those who’ve done this already know, it’s a doubt you can’t get rid of – but you do have to tuck it away in a remote location of your mind. I carried the doubt, but tried so hard not to let it consume me. I realized that two years later we were smarter, trying new things each time, and each attempt was different. So I forced myself not to ask, “Why should this time be different?”

We’re pregnant! Hooray, right? Well….

In January 2016, we began prepping for our first retrieval.

By now I was used to the fatigue that comes with constantly running to appointments, juggling prescription refills and approvals, and the general malaise that the injections caused my body.

February’s retrieval came and went. I was almost in auto pilot mode because in the back of my mind, I was more terrified of the next step to come – the transfer.

Because of the intense protocol I signed us up for, we didn’t transfer until April. When April came, I felt like I was stuck in one those dreams I used to have about my college exams: the dream where I prepared for the exam, but then showed up for a test that I knew nothing about, and had to wing it. That’s kind of like the IVF experience. You can prep all you want, but it’s really up to science.

After our transfer, we waited and kept ourselves distracted with other things. Over the years we’d been doing this, I became a fan of distractions – anything to not dwell on the one thing we cannot control. We’d take day trips, have fun dinners, just play with our son, or I’d immerse myself in my work.

All along there’d been yoga – every morning I get up and practice solo for about 20 to 30 minutes to organize my body and my head.

Then on May 4^th we got our phone call – we were pregnant. Hooray right? Well…

I couldn’t get excited about being pregnant

As soon as we got our positive blood test, I moved on. I did not get excited.

I said, “Great, see you at next week’s appointment.” We kept the faith, but realistically kept moving on with our lives. This was ironic because I once dreamed of the day we’d get our “get out of jail card” and become pregnant again.

I imagined we’d be ecstatic, able to embrace this joyful moment and be happy. But because of our past emotional experiences, I just couldn’t put myself in that mindset.

With each week and each check-up, we got great reports. Numbers were great and we had a strong heartbeat – all great signs and things we hadn’t seen with past positive tests.

But I just couldn’t let myself enjoy being pregnant. With this technically being my fourth pregnancy, my body was changing fast. I was cramming myself into my normal clothes at eight weeks of pregnancy because I didn’t want to “jinx” us by wearing maternity clothes.

Worse was that I would dread going to the bathroom because there was always that chance that blood would show up, a sign that I might be miscarrying again. There were times I would cry myself to sleep for fear that a normal stomachache was something worse. Or I would spend days at my desk hiding from people so they couldn’t see the fatigue and bloat, or ask questions I didn’t want to answer.

Somehow, one day after one of our last appointments with our fertility team, I actually stopped thinking about the fear of losing this pregnancy. I let it go. I decided I could move on, and try to enjoy the experience.

Then it happened. I was bleeding.

Learning to have faith

I was paralyzed with fear and anger. My first thought wasn’t what most rational women would say (“oh, it’s probably nothing”). My first reaction was to punish myself for being hopeful – “look at that, you let down your guard and you ruined it.”

I believe that IVF post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a real thing. (Though this is not a clinical diagnosis for me specifically, it’s a sentiment or a feeling of loss of security or safety, and that trauma of loss or negative results will continue to occur for me.)

We hurried to the doctor and confirmed that everything was still a-ok. Heartbeat, sac, even limbs were all still there. I most likely had subchorionic bleeding, which can be scary, but is common early in pregnancy and doesn’t normally indicate that the pregnancy is at risk.

Ironically, after that incident, I had more faith and confidence in myself and in this little human who is growing inside me. I learned that not everything is what we think it is every time. And perhaps it was a test to show me that it is OK to let my guard down.

I’d be a liar if I told you that, at nine weeks pregnant and experiencing bleeding, I was thrilled and relieved. My growing confidence allowed me to celebrate this little human in quiet prayer and yoga every day. But it wasn’t until I reached almost 21-weeks of pregnancy that I started to relax and enjoy the miracle of my pregnancy.

With peace of mind, comes joy

Until experiences showed me that I was not going to have another disappointment, I felt I had to protect myself emotionally and physically. So I went on “auto pilot” for about 13 more weeks. I got up, got dressed, fed my family, drank my decaf coffee, went to work, and went to bed. I worked hard to avoid thinking about being pregnant – and to my family it came off as a negative attitude. What was hard for them to understand was that I had to build up a shell, that I was just using all of my energy to breathe and keep functioning, leaving no energy to enjoy life for the moment.

While the fear has gotten quieter, it honestly hasn’t gone away. As I near the end of my pregnancy, I know that until I hold this human in my arms, I won’t fully let my guard down. With each passing week, it does get easier. After ultrasounds and check-ups, after seeing our little girl, her cute profile and all of her organs, I finally have some peace of mind. With peace comes joy. And with joy comes space to smile, laugh, and enjoy some of life. Because life will keep going, this baby will keep growing, and I can keep breathing.

Update: My healthy, beautiful daughter was born in late December 2016. We stare at her in complete disbelief and happiness.

Notes: This narrative was motivated and inspired by Amy Klein’s blog post on the New York Times “Motherlode.” In this amazing post, Ms. Klein introduces the concept of PTSD for fertility patients. http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/03/17/after-i-v-f-pregnant-but-still-stuck-in-the-past/

Pregnant Moms Take Note: Sooner Isn’t Better

Reaching the 37^th week of pregnancy with both of my boys felt like a big milestone.

After heaving my bloated, pregnant self around for way too long, my baby boy was finally “full-term,” or fully developed. It wouldn’t matter if he was delivered now, I mistakenly thought, or on my due date in a few weeks.

Turns out I was wrong.

But it’s not my fault, or the fault of many moms, who think their little bundles of joy are ready to go at 37 weeks, when they really aren’t. Up until a few years ago, even medical experts thought 37 weeks was the ideal goal.

Pushing the Goal Line Back

That all changed several years ago, when medical experts changed the rules for pregnant moms. No longer was the goal of many pregnant moms to reach the 37^th week of pregnancy. The goal line was pushed back to 39 weeks, because new research showed that babies still had a lot of growing to do at weeks 37 and 38. The baby’s brain and lungs, for example, were still developing.

It’s important to note that some babies need to be delivered early. This may be because the mother or baby is at risk for complications. But if there are no complications, inducing labor or scheduling a C-section before 39 weeks should be avoided, because the baby is still growing, according to Choosing Wisely, an initiative of the American Board of Internal Medicine (ABIM) Foundation.

Babies born at 37 or 38 weeks run a greater risk of having feeding problems or needing respiratory support, compared to babies born full-term (between 39 to 41 weeks.)

An infographic on more reasons you might want to avoid inducing labor or scheduling C-sections before 39 weeks (if you can!)

Did you know?

The Choosing Wisely program was started to reduce waste in the health care system and avoid risks associated with unnecessary treatments. The American Board of Internal Medicine (ABIM) Foundation publishes and shares hundreds of care recommendations from more than 70 medical specialty societies. A goal of the program is to promote conversations between physicians and patients about the necessity of certain tests and procedures. This includes the risks associated with scheduling a C-section before 39 weeks gestation. Another important goal of Choosing Wisley is to give patients more of a say in some of the decisions.

Twinkle, Twinkle Little UGH. Solutions for Parents who Hate Kids’ Music.

Becoming a parent stirs up a lot of fears. Will I be a good caretaker? Who will take care of my child when I go back to work? How do you keep one of these things alive? You mean we can just take them home?!

And that’s just the stuff you talk about publicly.

The Creepiness of Children’s Music

One of the secrets I’ve harbored in the deep recesses of my mind is a disdain for kids’ music (and those weird music videos!). The chipper, high voices. Bright primary colors. People singing while wearing spandex.

I’ve tried to get on board. I attended a newborn story time at our local library,* where they handed out lyrics to kids’ songs and taught interactive movements. A totally cool idea, and very helpful for someone like myself who hasn’t been around kids that much and has no idea where to start with such things. Story time was met with marginal success: my baby slept on my lap while I sang and clapped. My mind kept wandering along with the ridiculous lyrics we were singing. The song “Hickory Dickory Dock” reminded me of a Hickory Farms summer sausage gift basket. Ants marching one by one in the house are usually met with the sole of my shoe, because I’m the resident exterminator. And spiders? During a discussion of “Itsy Bitsy Spider,” my brother texted, “I hate spiders. Why would I sing about them?” Well said, sir.

Then the time of reckoning arrived. A beautiful, innocent, googly-eyed baby staring up from the crib, longing for some parental interaction. When I opened my mouth to croak out something, I didn’t know what to sing other than “Happy Birthday.” That experience showed me the need to create some playlists that wouldn’t be too terrible to sing along with over and over again. Because what is more fun in life then creating your own soundtrack?

The Positive Effect That Music Has on Children Makes It A Must

Solutions for People Who Hate Kids' Music

Studies have shown that music can have a really positive impact on childrens’ development.

I appreciate and support the benefits that music (even lullabies like “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”) can have on child development. I have Sesame Street records and sing “Row Row Row Your Boat” and “Buzz Buzz” like it’s my job. Study after study has shown so many positive effects that music and music therapy can have on a child at any stage, even in-utero . While listening to music, premature infants in the neonatal intensive care unit show signs of improved breathing and heart rates, along with advances in neurological development, weight gain and appetite..

It’s just that the entire universe-altering shift to parenthood is so overwhelming that it’s hard to let all facets in at once and the preordained music playlist, well, sometimes it just hurts. So you try to preserve some small semblance of your past that you want to share with your little one.

Playlists That Don’t Suck

There is nothing revolutionary here and obviously you can put any music you like on your soundtrack. I’ve been known to sing the jingle from the Cellino & Barnes commercial when desperate. Sleep deprivation causes things like an inability to remember your once-favorite songs, the words to the ABCs or those melodies earmarked for kids. I’ve found it helpful to have playlists queued up so I can spend more time interacting with our little one instead of racking my brain for songs to sing.

Playlist for bouncing, clapping & tummy time:

Listen to this playlist on Spotify

Ophelia, The Lumineers
Take it all Back, Judah and The Lion
HandClap, Fitz and the Tantrums
I am the Walrus, The Beatles
Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa (Sad Song), Otis Redding
Budapest, George Ezra
Home, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
Welcome Home, Radical Face
Dog Days are Over, Florence and the Machine
I Feel the Earth Move, Carole King

Playlist for mellowing out:

Listen to this playlist on Spotify

Three Little Birds, Bob Marley
Here Comes the Sun, The Beatles
Morning Song, Avett Brothers
In the Dark, Nina Simone
Hello My Old Heart, The Oh Hellos
The Circle Game, Joni Mitchell
Our House, Crosby, Stills and Nash
Mercedes Benz, Janis Joplin
Half Acre, Hem
Lullaby, Lord Huron

Playlist for loud crying (either the baby’s or yours):

Listen to this playlist on Spotify

Renegade, Styx
Crying, Waiting, Hoping, The Beatles
Ain’t Too Proud To Beg, The Temptations
Helter Skelter, The Beatles
I Bet My Life, Imagine Dragons
New York, Alicia Keys

*Looking for a kid’s story time in your community? Check your local library. Here’s a place to start:

Fighting Cancer: A Teenager’s Story of Courage

Being a teenager and going through high school can be difficult. There are classes to keep up with, sports commitments and demands for your time from family and friends. And, for Brittany McNair, a cancer diagnosis.

McNair was diagnosed with osteosarcoma June of 2005, the end of her freshman year of high school. She went to the doctor after not being able to walk and after several tests, found out that she had cancer in her right leg.

The former three-sport athlete went from running daily for soccer and indoor/outdoor track to relearning how to walk. She didn’t think she’d run again.

The high school years are a time when your peers are constantly judging you. Because chemotherapy treatments caused her hair to fall out, McNair feared having her picture taken or being asked to remove her hat. She also learned to get creative to avoid the dreaded hospital visits. (More on that later.)

With the help of friends, family and a local nonprofit, McNair found a way to keep some of the normalcy of her teenage years. Her family also emerged stronger and closer as a result of it.

Brittany McNair on her 16th birthday while in the hospital for cancer treatment.

A Visit to Her Hospital Room

In August of 2005, surgeons replaced the bones in McNair’s right leg with a metal prosthesis. At the same time, they removed her calf muscles and performed knee replacement surgery on that leg. She was 15.

As she recovered in the hospital, McNair received a visit from Lauren Spiker, executive director of 13thirty Cancer Connect, formerly known as Melissa’s Living Legacy Teen Cancer Foundation. Spiker had formed the organization three years prior after her daughter, Melissa, died of cancer, and was running it from her home.

On the wall at 13thirty Cancer Connect is Melissa’s request of her mother before she died, “If you have learned anything from me through all of this, do something with it to make a difference – to make things better.”

Spiker explained her daughter’s request.

“When Melissa was going through treatments for cancer as a teenager, we noticed that there weren’t many support groups for teenagers or young adults.”

Spiker visited McNair in the hospital to invite her to join their support groups, including a popular pancake breakfast at Spiker’s home with other teenage cancer survivors. A few weeks later, McNair participated in a photo shoot for a brochure for the organization. From that day, McNair has continued to attend 13thirty Cancer Connect events.

“13thirty Cancer Connect helped me in ways I couldn’t even begin to describe,” said McNair. “I’ve made lifelong friends there, and I am so thankful for them.”

The organization welcomes individuals ages 13 to 30 who have cancer and their families. A few years after McNair joined the group, 13thirty Cancer Connect began offering fitness classes to give people who have been diagnosed with cancer a chance to exercise with the supervision of a physical therapist and get their strength back.

“Our program was able to recently expand, thanks to a $3,000 grant from Excellus BlueCross BlueShield,” said Spiker.

It was through this program that McNair started to run again.

Brittany with Lauren Spiker, executive director of 13thirty Cancer Connect

Friends on the field

McNair was lucky to have friends who worked hard to keep her connected to high school (and all the drama!).

Her soccer teammates and their families took turns decorating and filling a box of goodies for McNair to have before she went to the hospital for chemotherapy on Fridays. She found the box on her front porch every Thursday.

“I would be in the hospital all weekend and my teammates would give me everything from candy to DVDs in that box,” said McNair.

McNair’s favorite? A barf bucket. (The chemotherapy made McNair pretty sick!) It was decorated with different words and phrases related to barfing.

After her diagnosis, one family gave her a laptop to help her keep up with school, but she also used it to keep up with her friends and high school happenings.

“AOL Instant Messenger was the big thing then, and I would be on my laptop all the time talking to friends so I was kept in the loop,” said McNair.

Her friends also would visit her at home and in the hospital. As often as she could, McNair would go to basketball games to watch her sister cheer, and she’d also sit on the bench and help her coach during soccer games.

A birthday to remember

McNair really wanted to be in school with her friends on her 16^th birthday on Dec. 23, 2005. Usually her birthday falls during winter break, when there’s no school, but that year was an exception.

On the morning of her birthday that year, McNair’s mom – Jennifer Arnold – noticed that her daughter felt hot. So Arnold took her temperature. If McNair had a fever, that meant she’d have to go to the emergency room and would automatically be in the hospital for 24-48 hours. When Arnold came back, McNair’s sister was in the room.

“I didn’t think anything of it,” said Arnold. “I figured they had just been talking before Brittany’s sister went to school or something.”

Arnold looked at the thermometer and it read a normal temperature. Arnold made McNair take her temperature again, but this time she didn’t leave the room.

“The thermometer said she had a fever just like I thought,” Arnold said. “Brittany’s sister took her own temperature, and the girls tried to trick me!”

McNair’s friends ended up visiting her in the hospital and celebrated her birthday there.

It wasn’t the first time her friends or family were willing to intervene on McNair’s behalf.

“I don’t know why it was such a big deal.”

When McNair walked into the school cafeteria to take her regents exam, the proctor wouldn’t let her in because she was wearing a hat.

“I don’t know why it was such a big deal,” said McNair. “I guess they were worried I was going to hide notes in my hat or something.”

McNair refused to take off her hat. She didn’t want to tell the proctor that she was embarrassed of her bald head. Eventually, one of her friends stepped in and explained why McNair wanted to keep her hat on. The proctor let her into the cafeteria to take her test.

After she sat down, a different proctor also asked her to remove her hat. Again, she refused. This time, a math teacher intervened and said that she could keep her hat on.

That night, Arnold attended a basketball game to see Britany’s sister cheer. The same math teacher approached her and apologized. He hoped that her daughter did well on the test.

“Brittany hadn’t told me that anything had happened at the regents test so I was trying to think of what could have possibly happened,” said Arnold, adding that she was also thinking , ‘Well I’d be more concerned that she didn’t do well because of all the work she hasn’t been doing.”

It wasn’t the first time McNair fought requests to remove her hat.

Learning to embrace her bald head

Like most 16-year-olds, McNair was eager to get her driving permit. She went to the DMV to take the written test and after passing it, stood in line to have her picture taken for her license. The photographer told her to remove her hat. McNair refused.

“My dad started arguing with the people at the DMV to let me keep my hat on and eventually they did and took my picture,” said McNair. “After that, when people looked at my I.D., they were confused to see that I was wearing a hat.”

McNair was determined to learn to drive during her sophomore year. Since she was still relearning how to use her right leg, used two feet instead of one to apply the brakes or use the accelerator.

“Looking back on everything from when I was diagnosed and going through chemo, I would tell other people going through the same thing to take pictures and rock the bald head,” said McNair. “Those are the two things I wish I had done.

Non-traditional Christmas

Arnold thinks back fondly on Christmas that year. It was a few days after McNair’s birthday fever and she was still in the hospital. She and her husband agreed to bring both McNair and her sister three presents to open at the hospital; they could open the rest when McNair returned home.

“My husband and I made two trips from the hospital to the house and back to pick up more presents because the girls didn’t want it to end, they were having so much fun,” said Arnold.

Brittany, her father (David), and younger sister (Alexis) on Christmas Day. Alexis is now a Pediatric Oncology nurse at Golisano Children’s Hospital. She was inspired by the nurses who cared for Brittany.

When McNair came home on New Year’s Eve, her parents said she and her sister couldn’t open the rest of their presents until the next morning. They wanted the girls to have that feeling of waking up and seeing presents under the tree.

“The girls went to bed at 3 a.m. on New Year’s Eve and then woke up a few hours later to open presents,” said Arnold. “It wasn’t a traditional Christmas, but we made the most of it and that’s what made it so special. “

Changing the family dynamic

Mother and daughter smiled and laughed as they recalled those special memories. “Brittany’s cancer diagnosis definitely changed our family dynamic for the better,” said Arnold. “We’re all incredibly close and I love it.”

Brittany with her mother, Jennifer Arnold in September 2016.

McNair, now an avid runner, made her athletic comeback October 2014 running the Bandana Bolt 5K at Seneca Park, thanks in large part to 13thirty Cancer Connect’s fitness program. Her mom joined her for the race as a fellow runner.

“With this new awesome fitness program that I’ve been doing for a couple years now, I’m slowly regaining my strength in my leg, regaining confidence and regaining the old me that was that former athlete,” said McNair.

4 Tips for not Driving Your College Kids Crazy Over Thanksgiving Break

My mom always says that my coming home from college during breaks is a blessing and a curse.

She loves having me there, but by the end of the week, she’s wondering when it’s time for me to go back.

I’m no longer a contributing member of the family—for the short week that I’m home, I pretty much just want to veg out.

For many college students like me, Thanksgiving is a much needed break from studying. Still, it can be overwhelming coming back home after being away for a few months – especially for first year students. From this senior’s perspective, here are a few ways parents can avoid pushing your college kid’s buttons without feeling like you’re walking on eggshells.

Don’t Ask So Many Questions

It’s Thanksgiving, and I love being home, enjoying my family’s company and eating my mom’s sweet potato casserole (topped with marshmallows, of course). Everything is going great, and I’m finally relaxing before heading back to college for a few more weeks of classes and finals before winter break. Then, the questions start—from Mom, Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Rebecca, Uncle Danny….

“What do you want to do when you graduate?”
“Do you have a boyfriend yet?”
“How’s your internship?”
“What are your classes like?”

I just got home from a stressful semester that still isn’t over and now you have me thinking about it all over again. Some of us still have no clue what we want to do after graduation; let’s just enjoy the turkey and trimmings, shall we? Also, chances are, I still do not have a boyfriend. (I’ll let you know when I do).

So, steer away from what feels like very personal questions. (My internship supervisor said her adult son gives her the “time out” signal, meaning TMQ or “too many questions.” She knows to cool it for a while. “I’ve learned the less I ask, the more he’s apt to tell me,” she said.)

Let Me Enjoy Being Home

Of course I want to sit and tell you everything about my life, Mom, but we talk on the phone almost every day while I’m at school. So, can I just have these next few days to myself?

This isn’t to say that I don’t want to spend time with you, because it’s actually one of the things I want most. However, while you might think I’d enjoy going to family friends’ homes with you, I’d rather not. My time at home is precious.

I’d also welcome a few days’ reprieve from household chores. Most of all, please let me sleep in the mornings! I need a break from my busy academic life when I’m constantly on the go and following a strict schedule. It’s nice to just kick back and enjoy the moment.

The author, Alaina Galiano, at dinner with her parents.

Keep the “Constructive Criticism” to a Minimum

I realize that everything you say to me comes from a place of love and affection, but it doesn’t always come across that way to this stressed-out, on-edge college kid.

Please, don’t comment on my weight or ask when I think I’m going to lose the freshman 15. Don’t even ask about my eating habits at school. Chances are you already know I’m not the poster child for the new food pyramid. I’m eating enough and no, not just ramen noodle soup and mac and cheese.

And, it’s not just my appearance that’s off limits. I know I could be doing better in school and trying harder. Just don’t bring that up now so I can get a break from worrying about this stuff even for a little while.

In addition, especially after this recent election, please, don’t bring up politics! We all have our opinions, but it’s not worth the fight over the mashed potatoes. Let’s enjoy the holiday, not start World War III.

What We Love to Hear

Tell me about what you and the family have been up to. Trust me, I hate missing out on so much while I’m gone, so please, let me know what’s going on in your life

Tell me how proud you are of me, that you know I’m out there doing something great for myself. I always love to hear that!

Remind me that it gets harder and harder each time I leave.

None of these suggestions mean you have to stop being a parent and caring, because you never will; just give me a little space while I’m home. While I’m not exactly on my own yet, college gives me time to grow into being an adult. I just need the safety and comfort of home during this break to recoup so I’ll be renewed and rejuvenated to tackle those last minute projects and finals.

I want this time together to be as peaceful and joyful for you as I want it to be for me. Besides, I’ll be back for winter break before you know it! (And, no, you still can’t ask me those overly personal questions then either.)

The Hidden Culprit That Might be Changing the Color of Your Toddler’s Poop

Many moms are obsessed with the color of their toddler’s poop. But, did you know that the color of your child’s poop can hint at what’s going on in his or her body?

Last year, my 1-year-old son’s poop had changed to an odd, sandy-white color I’d never seen before. I did what all parents do: a quick Google search. As a result, I was convinced that my little boy suffered from a life-threatening liver disease.

Not quite. A call to the pediatrician’s office revealed that the likely culprit was the antibiotic the doctor had prescribed for my son’s ear infection.

Antibiotics kill the bacteria that make you sick. But, ironically, the medicine can also kill the good kinds of bacteria that keep you healthy. That’s probably why my son’s poop had turned an odd color.

The dangers of antibiotics

Before our little poop adventure, I never thought twice about antibiotics. Since then, I’ve learned that antibiotics can have some pretty serious side effects, including diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting.

What’s even scarier is the growing worldwide health crisis around the misuse of antibiotics and the prevalence of antibiotic-resistant superbugs. One-third of antibiotics prescribed in Upstate New York are unnecessary, according to data from Excellus BlueCross BlueShield.

The issue? Antibiotics are often prescribed to treat illnesses caused by a virus: flu, common cold, most cases of acute bronchitis, etc. But antibiotics won’t help people with a virus. They help people with illnesses caused by bacteria, such as strep throat, whooping cough, and urinary tract infections.

As more people overuse antibiotics, the bacteria in your body that haven’t been killed by the drug can become resistant to the medication. This results in “superbugs” that cause life-threatening infections that can’t be treated with antibiotics.

This puts the entire community at risk of having antibiotics that don’t work.

Do you need antibiotics?

So antibiotics can be good – and bad? It’s all very confusing. Here is some advice on determining whether you need (or don’t need) antibiotics.

Get educated. Learn about antibiotics, the conditions for which antibiotics are often prescribed, and whether the antibiotics are able to help:
1. To learn more about whether you should take an antibiotic for ear infections, eczema, and pinkeye, go to ChoosingWisely.org.
2. ChoosingWisely.org also has information on whether you should take an antibiotic for the flu, colds and other respiratory illnesses.
3. For general information about antibiotics, go to CDC.org.

Take your medication as directed. One of the most important things you can do if you are prescribed an antibiotic is to take ALL of your medication and don’t skip doses.

“Too often, patients stop taking antibiotics when they begin to feel better and save the remainder of the pills for the next time they’re sick,” explains Martin Lustick, M.D., Corporate Medical Director at Excellus BlueCross BlueShield. “This is a big contributor to the development and spread of antibiotic-resistant bacteria.”

Talk to your doctor. Your physician knows you best and will be able to offer the best advice. Watch this video to learn about four questions to ask your doctor:

Trust your doctor if he or she says that an antibiotic isn’t needed.

“When the doctor says that an antibiotic isn’t needed,” said Lustick, “know that he or she is making the decision not to prescribe antibiotics by keeping the patient’s health and the health of the entire community in mind.”

A love/hate relationship

A friend of mine recently described her love/hate relationship with antibiotics.

She loved how the drugs cured her daughters’ ear infections, but hated how the drugs seemed to wreck her oldest child’s digestive system. Her daughter suffered from a continuous cycle of ear infections, antibiotic regimens, and irregular bowel movements.

She didn’t know for certain that her daughter’s digestive issues were related to the antibiotics. But given antibiotic’s reputation for causing these issues, it was hard for her not to make that association.

So what do you do if you need an antibiotic, but want to lessen its side effects?

Here are some recommendations from the Cleveland Clinic:

Probiotics. Talk to your doctor about whether you should take probiotics. Antibiotics can cause people to have stomach problems, including diarrhea, cramping, and gas. The reason? The drugs can kill the good bacteria in your intestines that are critical to digestive health. Probiotics may return that bacteria to your body, potentially curing or lessening your stomach issues. You can take probiotics through supplements or foods such as yogurt.
Foods. If certain foods upset your stomach even when you’re not on antibiotics, it’s even more important to avoid them when you’re on the drugs. Antibiotics may only worsen your normal stomach problems.
Take your antibiotics as directed. Carefully read the directions to see whether antibiotics should be taken with or without food. You might get an upset stomach, for example, if you take an antibiotic on an empty stomach when the directions tell you to take the drug with food.

Remember my son and his oddly-colored poop? The nurse suggested I add Culturelle, a powdered probiotic supplement, to my son’s milk, to add more good bacteria back into his body. And within a week, his poop was back to normal.

Backpack Pain is a Thing. What Every Parent Needs to Know.

When Jack, 5, saw the aisle full of backpacks, he loved the ones covered with his favorite characters from Paw Patrol and Star Wars.

Jack’s mom, however, searched for a pack that wouldn’t strain the back of her soon-to-be kindergartener. She looked for satchels with thick, cushioned straps, and settled on a Star Wars bag featuring the droid, BB-8.

School is already in full swing, but it’s not too late for parents to get a good grade in helping their kids avoid backpack pain.

Yes – backpack pain is a thing.

Here’s how Brian Justice, D.C., a chiropractor and medical director at Excellus BlueCross BlueShield, suggests avoiding any pack-related issues for your little ones:

Pick a backpack with broad, cushioned straps that won’t dig into the shoulders.
The thicker the straps, the better. Smaller straps may worsen strain on the shoulders.
Pack strategically. Place the heaviest things (we’re looking at you, history books) toward the back of the backpack, which is the side closest to the body. This will distribute the weight, making it easier to carry the backpack.
Don’t overload. The weight of a backpack should be less than 10 percent of body weight. So if your child weighs 80 pounds, his or her backpack should weigh no more than 8 pounds. If the backpack is too heavy, consider removing some of the larger books.
Use both straps and keep them tight. Slinging a backpack over one shoulder could create problems, because the weight is unevenly distributed. Make sure the straps are pulled tight. The closer the backpack is to the body, the better. Don’t allow the backpack to sag and strain the shoulders.
Focus. Take the time to put on, or take off, the backpack. Throwing the backpack on while running out the door may trigger back problems.

In Jack’s case, the BB-8 backpack was an obvious choice, but it wasn’t because of the thick, cushioned straps. It was because of the tiny lights that flashed whenever he pressed a button on the droid’s head.

For more advice on avoiding backpack pain, visit:

http://kidshealth.org/en/parents/backpack.html#

https://www.healthychildren.org/English/safety-prevention/at-play/Pages/Backpack-Safety.aspx

When They Leave Us for College: Dealing With an Empty Nest

Mothers seem to have an internal clock that ticks down the days and hours until we have to drop off our kids at college. I knew the day was coming. It would be the first time my son and I would be apart for any length of time, save for a week or two of summer camp along the way.

I’d had 18 years to prepare, but suddenly, the day was here and now. It was not only a big step for my son, but also for me. My husband, Andy’s dad, was an old hand, having sent three older kids off to college. I had been there for their leavings, but this was different. I had waited a long time to be a mother. What would I be without my child in my life 24/7?

Empty nest. Funny how things turn 180 degrees. I remember having a sudden surge of energy to clean during my last trimester of pregnancy. “They” call it nesting. Now, many years since I’d prepared for the arrival of my duckling, I was about to face life without his daily presence.

As I see it, there are several parts to the empty nest, and others’ experience might look a little different. Here’s what I learned along the way:

You’ll be OK

Trust that you and your kid will be OK. You’ve had almost two decades to instill your values and life lessons before he or she goes off to school and is on their own—more or less—for four or more years.

As I busied myself helping Andy set up his dorm room at the University at Buffalo, I kept the conversation light, recalling the excitement of my own first days at the University of Oklahoma. It was a big deal for my parents—I was the first in our family to attend college. The transition was made a bit easier because my best friend from high school and I would be roommates. Besides, if I got homesick, my family was only two hours away. I was comforted that Andy’s roommate was a former Amateur Athletic Union basketball teammate and that PJ, one of his best friends from high school, also was attending UB.

When there was no more motherly fussing to be done, I produced a photo cube of family pictures, including our dog, Hershey. Just in case Andy got homesick or forgot what we looked like. He was rather matter-of-fact about the whole college thing. I knew UB wasn’t his first choice, but financially it made more sense than going to a private school. I hoped that once he started classes, made new friends and got into extracurricular activities that where he earned his degree wouldn’t matter so much. (Now that he’s graduated, he’s glad his college loans are manageable. Note: I recently read that where you get your degree is not as good a predictor of landing a job as an internship in your field.)

I wanted to have a special “last supper” with Andy, but we were stuck with a mediocre pancake place since we were unfamiliar with the area. I had a hard time holding back the tears as we ate.

Back at the dorm, there were no more excuses for me to linger. It was time to head home and Andy to begin the next chapter of his life.

Student ID cards for Andy Caster and Jan (Johnson) Caster (provided by Jan Caster)

I was surprised by Andy’s depth of emotion as we hugged good-bye. No matter how much teens think they’re ready to cut the apron strings, their first foray into independence can be as tentative as that first step as an infant.

As I drove the 2½ hours to Syracuse, my eyes leaked tears and my head pounded. As he should be, Andy was all eyes forward—the excitement of meeting people from other places and other cultures, developing exciting new interests, making connections, experiencing challenges, fostering a future career and maybe acquiring a steady girlfriend. My husband and I would be returning to our “roots” as a couple (plus the dog). Our life would be different, quieter, less chaotic. No juggling of dinner times to fit sports calendars, no loud music of a genre I didn’t care for, no arguments about things that drive either parents or their kids crazy. We all settled into the new normal.

Your role as a caregiver will change

Many marrieds find the absence of children a chance to rekindle their relationship, and relating as two rather than three or more (and not counting the dog) may take time. Some couples embrace their new found freedom when their last child leaves home; others need time to adjust to the new normal. At home in our small village in Central New York, I experienced Andy’s absence deeply—more than I imagined he felt mine. Conscious of his unoccupied bedroom and his empty chair at the table, I missed our frequent hugs, spirited conversations and preparing meals together.

We stayed in touch via phone calls and emails. I sent him occasional “thinking of you” cards and goodie packages. He was home for the holidays, an occasional weekend and summer breaks.

The author and her son (provided by Jan Caster)

My nest is still empty, but thanks to Facetime and texting, we’re only seconds away from being in touch or a 5½ hour trip by car for together time. It’s a far cry from the weekly call I had with my parents in Oklahoma after I got married and moved to Syracuse. Back then, long-distance charges kept conversations short and visiting each other once or twice a year meant long plane rides.

Practice Gratitude

Another part of my empty nest was gratitude; I appreciated that I’d raised an independent, soon-to-be productive member of society. Andy graduated from high school, made friends for life and matured beyond his years due in large part to dealing with his father’s failing health. He values family and couldn’t be closer with his brothers, sister, their families, his dad and me.

Now, he lives in Baltimore on Federal Hill where young professionals hang out. He put his degree in economics and English to work at an energy company. He likes his job and has a strong work ethic that’s getting him noticed and promoted.

He’s no longer the finicky eater who lived on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but has cultivated a palate for sushi, squid and Indian cuisine. Thanks to his college nutrition course, he can cite the platitudes of this or that particular food and has become a connoisseur of coconut oil. He’s at home in the kitchen, and secretly thinks he may be a better cook than I am. Go ahead, make my meal!

Wonder of wonders, he keeps a neat and organized apartment, a far cry from his teenage bedroom with its “carpet” of clean and dirty clothes. (I learned to shut the door and keep my mouth closed about the state of his room. My parenting tip? I boycotted washing and drying the clothes he couldn’t be bothered to sort, forcing him to learn to do his own laundry at an early age.)

The practical and philosophical lessons my husband and I had imparted have paid off. And, if you’re lucky, your child will become your favorite adult friend.

5 Reasons to Embrace Life as an Empty Nester

If you’re about to or have already dropped off your son or daughter at college, here are a few things to look forward to:

No more high school drama. No dealing with difficult teachers or a child’s disappointment when he or she doesn’t make the team or the lead in the school play or doesn’t get asked to the prom. Soon, they’ll realize that high school is “so high school.”
No car on campus? Fewer worries about your young adult behind the wheel.
Better sleep. No tossing and turning until you hear the sound of sneakers on the stairs or the refrigerator doors opening and closing as someone rummages for a late night/early morning snack.
Out of sight, out of mind. While college is when many kids test their wings, as long as they don’t get seriously hurt or ill or in any kind of legal trouble, what you don’t know won’t hurt you. Later on, they may regale you with the details of their escapades that frankly, you wish they didn’t. Ignorance is bliss.
Room in the refrigerator for stuff you like. Unfortunately, a smaller grocery bill does not come close to offsetting college room and board costs.

Did I mention more time for you? Hours sitting in the cold and rain at football games, attending back to school nights and visiting college campuses is now “me” time. (Note: You’ll get another big chunk of time back when you don’t have to fill out the college financial aid forms each year. What a relief!)

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar?

Books about to topple off your nightstand? Tackle the top of the pile before the next bestseller comes out.
That furniture you’ve been meaning to refinish? Grab the sandpaper and go.
Take a weekend away on the spur of the moment? No need to worry that your teen will become a home wrecker in your absence.
Put off that redecorating project for years? Head over to the hardware store and dream in color paint chips. (Don’t start with your college kid’s bedroom just yet; familiarity breeds content when they come home for that first visit.)
Too much time on your hands? Take up a new hobby or rekindle one you’ve put aside.

“Let Go.”

Although you may breathe a sigh of relief once you’ve deposited your son or daughter safely at school, take a few moments to reflect and pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

In hindsight, what advice would I give my younger self when giving my baby bird his wings?

Let go. It’s the lesson the universe seems determined to teach me again and again. You can’t control most things and certainly no one but yourself. Professor Experience will be one of your child’s best teachers. Consequences speak louder than your words. Most likely your child will emerge on the other side of higher education not only with a diploma in his/her hand, but with the insight that their parents may be smarter than they once believed.

Despite my intent to worry less, like most mothers, I’ll always have a constant prayer in my heart for my child’s health and safety. I’ve learned to respect his choices as an adult and bite my tongue when I realize some things are “none of my business.”

As someone once told me, we never get credit for what we don’t say.

Besides, there’s nothing like the satisfaction of knowing that if and when our children have their own kids, they’ll understand why their leaving home is a sweet, yet sorrowful event.

If you still need some extra help, articles like this helped me re-imagine life after the nest empties.